Wednesday, January 03, 2007

My Theory on Pioneer Square Prohibitions Proven!

When the Merc reported that Dan Saltzman's plan to suck all the smoke (and life) out of Portland's Pioneer Courthouse Square by banning toxic exhalations was signed and took effect this past Monday, I mused that by its absence among the list of verboten bodily emissions, vomiting must still be free and legal.

I am standing as I type this, because I'm too busy kicking my own ass for forgetting that I now own a camera phone--but I can now incontrovertibly say that my thesis was correct. As I boarded the MAX headed east from the square, I watched a young man in a dingy rasta hat and even grungier jeans stagger off the train and head for one of the smoke-fighting trees along the platform.

I wondered if he was tired, disoriented or perhaps in need of medical attention--and my questions were quickly answered as the ragamuffin heaved slightly and began watering the tree with whatever it was he'd put in his stomach some hours earlier. Owing to stoplights, we passengers were treated to multiple repeat performances as the train waited to depart. And at no time--repeat, NO TIME--did any monitors of civil authority step in and inform the waif that he was violating ordinance. As the train pulled away, our test subject appeared to have mostly emptied his gastric tract, and shuffled off unmolested.

So there you have it. If you feel the strong biological urge to feed your nic-fit, or evacuate personal waste, or get your rocks off (no I'm not kidding), you'd better (perhaps literally) take that shit somewhere else. But if you feel a fit of reverse drinking coming on, shelve your shame and spew! Downtown Clean and Safe will take care of it! Perhaps they could even carry around a supply of moist towlettes--now wouldn't that be exemplary public service?

Relatedly, as I sat on the train I realized that while waiting for my tasty Pioneer Square cheesesteak to be cooked, I'd also proven that it's entirely legal to fart there. Or maybe I just got away with it and they haven't equipped all the hall monitors with spectrographs yet.

When The Man tells you what you can't do in this world, count on Loaded O to affirm what meager rights you still have. Party up, Chuck!