Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Candidates Gone Home: Boyles Booted

Oh man--I was SO looking forward to a ringside seat to watch Emilie Boyles perform stupid human tricks at Candidates Gone Wild. Carla and I will both be carrying the LO flag (metaphorically) that night, and I don't know about her, but for a night of political entertainment with a decidedly goofy edge there wasn't going to be any better entertainment than watching Boyles answer questions or respond under pressure, live. What would she say? Who would she blame? Which phrase would she repeat incessantly in response to any question? How much did she spend on the way to the gig? I can imagine her now, pulling up in a rented Hummer limo, getting out, seeing Ginny Burdick pull up on her bike and thinking, "Uh oh" and tossing the new Cartier back into the limo.

Reading my first paragraph, it all seems so cruel and petty in a schadenfreudistic way to bash this poor woman so, but that's precisely the point: that's what CGW is for! It's a humanizing tool, this event--and right now, who needs more humanizing than the rest of the candidates put together? Dave Lister, put your hand down. What's that, Erik? No, humaNIZING, not more-human sizing. Relax, babe--you wear it fine.

I'm assuming the thread topic has tipped you off to what I'm talking about, but for the official poop head over to CGW's site, where they have cut the cord. Seriously speaking, I can fully get why she's being disinvited, and on balance I'd probably recommend the same thing. My treacherous heart might like to see a grand political meltdown happen in front of my very eyes, but there's also a risk that Boyles might just kill everyone's buzz by acting creepy and not getting the jokes--or worse yet, getting ANGRY at the jokes and flipping out. And that's really a necessary skill for politicians. Where would Dan Saltzman be if he hadn't learned to endure constant abuse from his peer group?

Watch that video CGW has of Boyles at the WWeek interview, though. It's quite possibly the most outrageous gambit I've ever heard: blaming the guy who wrote the law for making it too easy for you to break. That's like suing Schwinn because their bikes are so nice you can't just leave them on your lawn unlocked every night. And then she turns it into her campaign theme! "Even if it's decided I broke the law, vote me in to show those nincompoops on the Council how bad they are to have let me do it!" I laughed this afternoon when I saw a reference at Blue Oregon comparing Boyles to Karl Rove, but after that video, by God, I see it. Who could really use an "I blame the weak system for allowing me to commit crime" defense right about now? And who WOULD use it if they thought it would work? Ol' Turdblossom himself.

As you'll see if you manage to roll through all the comments in that BO thread, I had high hopes for Emilie. She sounded motivated and able in a short conversation I had with her while she was still gathering signatures (or having them gathered anyway), and I was most interested in hearing her at the City Club debate. Since then, her standing continues to deteroriate in my eyes, to the point where I don't think she has any business either on Council or using taxpayer funds. The only thing left for her to do before dropping out...would have been doing Candidates Gone Wild. A guy can dream, can't he? Ah, whatever. I'll just heckle Diane Linn from the press area twice as hard. Which animal's blood throws easiest and splatters best? I wonder what they're using down at Schumacher's...