Saturday, June 10, 2006

Holy Crap! Pat Robertson's Prediction CORROBORATED!

Gen. JC Christian, ooooober-patriot
Commander, ASCENTCOM
Purveyor, Good News

Dear General--
A few weeks ago my friends and I all laughed when Pat Robertson manfully threatened a tsunami hitting the West Coast as punishment for our...Northwesternness. We chuckled at the absurdity of being able to predict a mass natural disaster, and then predicating it on unGodly behavior. I know Pat is technically from among the flock and all, but you don't have to read from the talking points with me--I know you don't let him come to the meetings anymore. He sends that sassy Kristi Watts. So we decided it was Pat being Pat, and went back to our traitorous, plant eating existences.

Until today, when I fear we have invoked the Big Man's wrath and had sent upon us another, even more vapid and untenable--I mean, loyal and God-filled--character than the last: Lloyd Day, of the minion in Salem. His chilling prophesy is so eerily reminiscient of Mr. Robertson's senile, praise-giving threat dagger, I fear that this man being sent to us (and frankly placed so near to the vicinity of my own homestead) is the sign of God giving us one more chance: STOP THE GAY PRIDE PORTLAND PARADE! PLEASE?
1. In June 18, 2006 (the coming Father's Day), there will be a Gay Pride Parade in Portland, Oregon.

2. This Gay Pride Parade will bring the judgment of God to Portland.

3. At June 18, 2006, there will be a huge earthquake happen in Portland area, the earthquake will cause a collapse of Bonneville Dam. A wall of water will flood and destroy Portland.

4. There will be another earthquake happen in the West Coast, cause a Tsunami and the Tsunami will go to Portland from Columbia River. So Portland will be flooded also by the Tsunami. (Portland is about 50 miles away from the sea coast.)

5. There will be a team of terrorists, who will bring automatic weapons (machine guns) and kill as many survivors as they can after the disaster. They kill people before the National Guard will arrive there.

6. Portland and the nearby Willamette Valley will be destroyed.

7. God urge the Christians to leave that area.

The really specifically noted collapse of the Bonneville Dam worries me. The fact that right there in number 4, Reverend Day spells it out clear as him, that there will be a tsunami--that makes me tremble in my Birkenstocks. Just like Pat said! But what makes me believe, and makes me ask for your paraheavenly guidance, is the threat of terrorists, poised somewhere just out of flood and tsunami range, ready to carry out their plan of world domination just as soon as the earth wills it.

Do you have the Reverend Day in your rolodex? Do you have any of those sweet Cubans left from the time we got held over in Helsinki, and the hotel bar,um...well, best for another time. This could be serious! Do I pack for the sea or the mountains? Which version of the Bible is the disaster version? Is there a meetup point if this does turn out to be the Apocalypse? Can you buy in advance or anything? Like Fandago? Please get back to me. We haven't much time! We're on a slipperly slope towards fatal acceptance of the gay agenda, and if this parade creates even just a little pride, I...I...well, think of the children!

Yours, open to suggestion,
Torridjoe, Loaded O