Tuesday, September 12, 2006

We've Intercepted OR GOP Email!

What luck! We've been reached by one of our many inside sources throughout Oregon, who has managed to intercept an email to state Republicans from the party apparatus. We're told Howard Rich and Grover Norquist have been writing them up lately, but this one seems to come from state HQ. It's handwritten, so I'll reproduce it here verbatim. Trust us!

September 7, 2006
From the Director's Desk
Salem, Oregon 97308

Dear GOP lackey afilliate--
Special thanks to Messrs Rich and Norquist for holding down the fort while we put all our resources into keeping Mary Starrett off the ballot. We apologize for some of the missteps where the out of state guys weren't prepared; we heard that poor Karen Minnis was nearly flattened by a beer-drinking denizen of Edgefield while the Speaker was enaging with an appreciative campaign crowd. Karen was hammered with the charge that she'd winked at an outright slander of Rob Brading...again. Apparently Grover was supposed to write up some cards for Karen, but he had tickets for Andre Agassi's last tournament in Flushing Meadows and forgot. Thanks, Grove!

So now that we've lost the Starrett battle, we can return once again to plotting the lockstep faithful course we know to be the will of God and the key to victory. We know many of you are feeling a little scared that our man for governor is running well behind the current occupant. We paid off one of the former Republicans at Cook Political Report to move the race to "tossup" in the media based on that wackjob Zogby polling, so hopefully that will create some buzz. But we need your help. Here is the new attack phrase, officially sanctioned for everyone to begin using:
"far-left comments on liberal web-sites"

Please work this one in whenever you can against your opponent--it not only takes a swipe at them, it makes you look trendy and on top of things with your constituents. Don't worry that you don't really know what "blogging" is or how it works--we're not sure either, but after that whole Lieberman thing we're looking into it, and in the meantime we can certainly begin demagoguing on it.

How do you know if your opponent is a captive of the bloggers? If he's running against you, he's either a feeble academic or some kind of new age lefty tree-hugging transit monkey, and both are too high on pot to do normal things like trade stocks and buy out mom-n-pop companies--so it's a fair bet they're spending time down in their basements using the Internets tubes to rant their defeatocrat complaints with their extremist friends.

So how does it work? Big GOPropers to Donna Nelson, representing our side of the House in McMinnville. Donna's locked in a tough race--probably due to all the latte'-suckers who've left Portland's den of iniquity for some peace and traditional American values--and the 24th District is now at the top of Ridenbaugh Press' "Races to Watch." Since she (like many of you who have called the state GOP office recently for help) has had trouble compiling a record of accomplishments to run on rather than run from, the obvious answer was to tear down her opponent Salvador Peralta, as only we Republicans can do it. Donna googled Mr. Peralta and came up with horrors like this, this one here, and even this--active membership in DailyKos! Jackpot! In a meeting with Peralta (where her team skillfully avoided committing to any kind of town hall debates with him--nice going!), Nelson dropped the hammer, calling him out for participating in--what was the phrase, people?--"far-left comments on liberal web-sites." Nice going, gal! Smart, recklessly vicious, and makes good coffee for our monthly strategy meetings! A triple threat!

So you see how easy it is to start portraying your opponent as a tool of the bloggers. Watch what happens in your favorable precincts when you use the word "blogger" with your supporters--their pupils will dilate, the corners of their mouths will turn down, maybe even with a hint of saliva escaping from them, and they'll generally look and behave as if you told them your opponent once interned as Fidel Castro's ballwasher.

We admit, during the brainstorm session for this week's phrase, someone asked if this wasn't just a sign of desperation--using fear-mongering tactics based on poorly understood concepts like blogging because we don't have any other arrows left in the quiver. Once we made her go get lunch though, the vote was unanimous. So until the laundering is done our contributors come through for us and we can return to our main strategy of using shadow consultancy groups to put together distortive direct mail campaigns, this is the direction we're going in. We're sure it will be really effective for you, and then we can all go back to enjoying ourselves in Salem next year, as our God-given right to run the state into the ground affords us. Keep fighting the bad fight, and know that here at GOPHQ, we're all behind you every mucky step of the way!

The Oregon Republican Leadership Team